Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taylor Swift is the new relationship advice columnist for Seventeen magazine. That's like trying to cure aids with more aids.

   Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican

   You wonder why guys keep leaving you? Maybe it's because you put out before they even tell you their name.

   i feel bad when I see a lonely old person at the bus stop... but then I remember how those a$$holes drive.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   If I win $425 Million next Wednesday, what do you want for Christmas?

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   Hey ladies, if a guy ever texted you the heart emoticon, chances are he also fantasizes about your brother.

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   Maybe those huge ass snakes just want to give us a tight hug but are really bad at it.

   Twice. The number of times you have to ask me if I'm sure I'm okay before I stop being okay.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"

   We hope your holiday season is off to a great start and if it's not you'll keep that whiny $#!t to yourself.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don't you eat all the food?

   after thanksgiving I'm more stuffed then a 12 girl's bra at a justin bebier concert.

   The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.

   If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.