Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…

   everybody..we all just need to chip in and buy195,249,054 powerball tickets that has every single number combination and we win.

   All I'm saying is if I lost my arm in a light saber battle, my robot replacement arm better vibrate.

   Women are like headphones, you get a lot of static if you put it in the wrong hole.

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account

   How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.

   I followed my heart and now I have multiple restraining orders. B itches..

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...

   If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.

   Frankly I think there is more going on in the lab between the scientists and the sheep than actual cloning.

   how does taking a bath get me clean when the first 2 things in the water are my feet and a ss??

   Hey Scientists: Less sheep cloning and More making our world look like The Jetsons. Chop chop beotches!

   If ur gonna play the role of victim, make sure you include how you got the part...