Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.

   When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.

   My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."

   Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.

   Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It's dark isn't it?

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.