Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   IT'S NOT EASY BEING A DIVA!!! It's a real workout...my heart starts pumping and I break a sweat thinking of the day I have of cleaning...and then suddenly remembering my housekeeper already did it for me. I nearly threw my back out getting back in bed!

   Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??

   Kristen Stewart looks like a sullen boy with no boobs. Thankfully Twilight is over.

   if I was a bird... I know who'd I poop on

   i'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

   You're the only one who wore a yellow scarf to class.. don't blame me for shouting "10 points to Gryffindor!" when you got a question right..r

   ur as fake as my Christmas tree

   Seeing people in the grocery store and talking to them and they pretend they don't know you...well played, mom...well played.

   Sunday = The day of the week to sit around and absolutely do nothing all day and no one judges you for it.

   frequently has conversations with women who know how hot they are, but apparently very little else.

   I'm only a morning person on December 25th

   If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.

   tries to accept the things he can't change and change the things he can't accept.

   I'm guessing that the end of Cowboys Vs. Aliens is predictable. Tony romo buckles under the pressure & throws an interception to the aliens

   Roethlisberger is still out?.... Man, mace must last longer than I thought...

   If you're not happy being single. You're not doing it right

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down