Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X What does a Cowboys fan do after his team wins A Play-Off Game?....He turns off Madden and goes to bed

   What does an Eagles fan do after his team wins the Super Bowl?....He turns off Madden and goes to bed

   Have been playing with the first of the snow today! or, well I fell and broke my hip. still counts!

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse

   Office Buffet = Taking food from each coworkers lunch in the refrigerator.

   After I masturbate I make shadow puppets on the wall and say annoying things like "hold me" and "what are you thinking" to keep things realistic.

   If she can still walk after se x to make you a sammich... then you're doing it wrong...

   the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside

   I need a girlfriend because I like people in my life who can remember stuff.

   I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!

   If I have to stir it, it's homemade.

   If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.

   Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.

   I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…

   Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.

   Good thing my car has cruise control because I'm feeling pretty sleepy.

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??