Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   wondering..if you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry does this mean that you shouldn't go to the liquor store sober?

   The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   The Hot New Toy this Christmas season will be "Outsource Me Elmo" Which is simply an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   To all you dumbasses who don't like my post... I don't like yours either!!!.

   Those saying what a great guy Jovan Belcher was seem to overlook he just killed his baby's mother!!

   I wonder why George Bailey never told Mr. Potter to just SUCK IT...

   Bacon jokes are so played. $hut up already and just go buy some.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   The person below me needs help.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...

   it's that time of the year to again remind all the douchebags that think Xmas is a word that they are all going to Hell...

   Hey,, people who buy just 1-ply toilet paper at grocery stores,, Are you trying to quit??

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!