Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays

   If you search “askew” in google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. (Try it now).

   My girl is burping like she doesn't think I'm still gonna try and have sex with her tonight.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"

   Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.

   Just finished writing "Cyber Monday does NOT mean what I thought it meant" 100,000x Can I go home now Sister Rose?

   Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.

   It's funny how even your best friend can suddenly hate you like a sworn enemy when they think you like the same person they like.

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   #5, #22, #23, #29, & #6 I know they're just jersey #'s but they really do mean so much more t o me right now!

   It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk

   If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.

   Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

   If she still adores you while you're covered in mud scrabbling to get out of a hole at rock bottom, she's definitely a keeper.

   My new dentist didn't even make me take off my pants, I don't think he's a real dentist.

   You know what will be funny....If an illegal alien was thePowerball winner in Arizona