Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   2012...End of the WORLD... 2013 ... End of the Rumor...

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is

   Dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there

   If you take more than 5 pictures of your face and you don't like any, you should probably stop trying and accept the fact that you're ugly

   My Wife told me that in some cultures Men do all the housework and cooking, so I told her in some cultures shopping every Sunday don't exist. She's busy Cooking now

   People SMOKE & DRINK for few days & get addicted.......Look at me. I am WORKING for all these years, but not YET ADDICTED to WORK. This is called "SELF CONTROL"

   - I like my women like I like my Internet porn blocker....disabled.

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he will think twice about asking that question again.

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon

   I'm worried about my bed. It looks really lonely. I'd better give it a few extra hours of cuddling today

   It appears I'm friends with at least 200 babies on Facebook.

   If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.