Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LEON- Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone.. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life...

   "Together forever" said no sock ever.

   Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   light beer, fruit flavored booze, turkey burgers...why do we have to pussify everything good??

   dear Hollywood: When you find an action star who's not gay and taller than the girl, let me know...

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   likes to pretend he is in a parade when he is stuck in traffic.

   When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   Economists are predicting that "black Friday" sales figures will pale in comparison to "the Mayans were wrong Saturday " sales figures...

   I just met a nerdy spider. He`s a web designer.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   It's not officially the holiday season until I've ignored a Salvation Army Santa.

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   With the "end of the world" coming in 11 days I feel confident making a prediction.......September 2013 will have one of the highest birth rates on record.

   I'd rather watch a candle melt than play a game on Facebook

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."