Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   The tattoo of Donald Trump's face on my anus is symbolic because he too is full of shi t, but my a$$hole has a better hairstyle

   Ask Bin Laden what a "scared little American with a gun" can do!!!

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   GIRL LOGIC: maybe if I wear this shirt that shows my boobs i'll meet a nice guy who wants me For my personality

   Maybe Hostess will open back up in 10 years and hand out 5 golden twinkies...

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   I think all the call of duty's should have a PS3 vs. XBOX online game mode.

   People who complain on Yelp, It was one meal out of your entire life. Calm down.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk

   If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn't be any good music.

   Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   Bob Costas just told the world his house is available for burglary.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.