Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear

   All of us at work are suffering from anal glaucoma today.... We can't see our ass getting to work.

   I just bought a pack of Condoms and the cashier asked me, "Sir do you need a bag"; I replied, "Na! She ain't that ugly". :)

   I love your personality!!! Especially when your not talking is my favorite!!! JW

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.

   I already hate next year.

   Other people's children are my form of birth control.

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."

   If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK