Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the shelf life of fruit cake? I think the one I have in our pantry is from 1989...Do you think I could still regift it?

   FYI - Only seven more shopping days until the apocalypse! Plan your looting accordingly...

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   After putting up xmas lights last night I'm wondering why no one hasn't opened up a business that untangles xmas lights...

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!

   Found out today that midgets dont like being called midgets....AND they really dont like being called people McNuggets...

   Good thing I formed a secret neighborhood watch. Based on my inventory of my neighbor's trash, there are some weirdo's around me…

   Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.

   World population:7,018,521,68. just in case some one starts feeling too important !!!

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - Friday.

   Redneck word of the day - Asthma: I don't know if I can go or not. Lemme asthma wife

   I lowered my goals to just "avoid poverty or try dying..."

   from now on, I'm only drinking free range beer. You're welcome future generations.

   why am I always behind the one person on earth that's never seen a McDonalds menu???

   Attention: Females take dumps too, they just do it more graciously. But it still stinks just as bad.

   Remember the good old days where we use to read the newspaper while taking a crap? LMAO

   Gonna call Suze Orman and ask if I can afford to build a Deathstar.

   Sitting on the toilet dropping bombs and reading the back of a shampoo bottle... My morning in a nutshell

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?