Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how old I get, I always know that I'll have to mentally sing my ABC's to know which letter comes next.

   The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is??

   Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   Went marchin' outside, singin' God Bless Merica. Saluted and yelled, "Remember Pearl Harbor. Suck it Japanland. These colors don't run."

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   I bet it didn't take Prince Harry long to tell Princess Kate that nausea can be cured by sucking on ginger

   Opening a chain of gynecologist offices called "All Up In Yo Business."

   Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks

   To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I'm ok with you liking cats as long as you're ok with me hating you.

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.

   If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".

   I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.