Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I respect you. I'm just not IN respect with you.

   Why do people say you can;t have your cake and eat it too? That is the complete opposite of every cake having experience I have had in my life.

   Last night at the bar tried a new pick up line - told a woman it was my birthday. Only thing that turned her on was the possibility of cake.

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.

   "I see drunk people." - Me, playing the starring role in The Sixth Heavily-Impaired Sense

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...

   Given my propensity to only check our mailbox about once a month,,, I'm guessing, my mail man also doubles as the Tetris champion of the universe.

   Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   Santa's reindeer, Donder? Didn't know that, though it was Donner

   HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!

   im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.