Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   In the Olympics of my heart u're the Jamaican who runs fastest, the Kenyan who runs longest. the American who strengthens me with steroids.

   Maybe people who wear Ed Hardy shirts just want people to throw boiling water at them.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   That thin line beween ‘I love you' and bullshi t.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   I bet Pintrest wrecks more diets than holiday parties

   Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you comes from the dollar store and neither should you.

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   Going out just means staring at my phone from a different location.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   My wedding ring gives me superpowers...not to cheat.

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   My cat moved out when my first child was born. True story. I guess giving birth is quite traumatic on a pu$$y.