Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   One rogue human being out of seven billion loses it and goes berserk and suddenly all humanity must be condemned?

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   If making guns illegal will get them off the street why don't we make drugs illegal?!? Oh wait......

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.