life Funny Status Messages

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   It's Facebook, not Time Magazine. We don't need to see your entire life in pictures.

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   Ted Cruz did not go against Trump, He took the last life preserver off the Titantic off the railing and jumped ship. He did not even yell women and children first just took it and jumped.

   “When cops come to save your life, they don’t ask if you are black or white, they just come to save you!” -------- Rudy Giuliani

   Don't be so hard on Melania. It's not like that high school dropout who got by on her looks and married rich ever took shortcuts in life.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Life is good .... the alternative is not.

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, genitals, passwords, credit cards, life and soul.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   Coming This Fall On HBO: Game of Loans. Move over medieval times, it's university life at it's finest in 2016.

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   As a Millenial I find my life is now full of much more meaning now that I have Pokemon Go!

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.