Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   Alcohol in its pure form is not a solution ( nobody should ever drink pure alcohol ) , but vodka, tequilla, rhum and whatever are solutions... So yeah, I paid pretty good attention in my chemistry class :-)

   Technolgy....Have you have been on the house phone and dialed the number and looked for the send button?

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!

   hey alcohol is a compound not a solution, guess you should have paid more attention in chemistry clss huh?

   Not to get technical ...but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   CLAUStrophobia = The Fear of Santa Claus !

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   Autocorrect has to be my worst enema.

   Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the Doctor?...............He was feeling Crummy

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   So you think you can fly a plane would be a fun show to watch...

   It's weird that when a normal girl dates a lot guys she's called many insulting things but when a celebrity does it she's Taylor Swift.

   I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.

   I'm the Albert Einstein of avoiding eye contact in public.