Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women look at men and see a potential mate. Men look at women and see a potential sex partner. I look at porn and beat off a lot.

   I would be open to crying a lot more if my tears tasted like tequila.

   I asked my therapist why I was having a hard time fitting in. She said its because she's a virgin and I should go slow.

   I will only beg for bacon... nothing else

   On a scale from 1 to Taylor Swift, how successful was your breakup?

   The only success in life is making someone drive back and forth in front of your house late at night, wishing they were still with you.

   Yep, I am the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $50 bill with a note inside that says, 'You don't have to do this'

   Don't worry Mayans, if you DO get it wrong it's not the end of the world.

   I hate ppl and their fake diseases: ADD is not an excuse for ur stupidity...

   People who reach the Facebook maximum friends limit of 5000 and go on to open an additional Facebook account are a$$holes!!

   Surge has an ego problem hes trying to fill online...pathetic

   I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.

   Does anybody know today's date?

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : “In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bi%ch. Details at 11″.

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

   It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

   After seeing all this 12/12/12 stuff today, I can tell you December 21st is really going to be annoying.

   I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.