Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   have you every noticed that the constitution has been amended 27 time in the last 200 years...... Except for that 2nd rule which everyone defends but nobody follows responsibly!

   I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning and the next day I do it all over again.

   jus saved alot on my car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene!

   No, I won't hold your hand, but I'll hold your leash.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!

   If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".

   It's never too early to set something on fire.

   Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

   So I'm flying to England and the flight attendant asks me if I want dinner. I asked her what my choices were. She said, "Yes or no."

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.