Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   If making guns illegal will get them off the street why don't we make drugs illegal?!? Oh wait......

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   Kelli Clarkson is getting married. I guess she can get extra fat now...

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

   Time to find a girlfriend.....I think my hand has been stepping out on me.

   Yes honey. Everyone is in fact, out to get (away from) you.

   I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫