Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the world ends tomorrow, I hope it is after 5:00 pm, because I won't get paid for the holiday if I don't work Friday.

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.

   LIES PSYCHO WOMEN TELL: "I swear I have moved on"

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"

   I'm really shy at first. But once you get to know me, prepare to meet the craziest lunatic you will ever meet ;)

   Am happy no one has noticed today is 20/12 2012

   I cried during that sad emotional part of Titanic, when all the crunchy lobsters drowned, what a great supper they would have made!!

   I wish I had the remote for the tornado sirens that could make friday a little more interesting around here

   Go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.

   I'm so glad they brought back the McRib for the Holidays...I always wanted an angioplasty for Christmas! ツ

   I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday. Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.

   I despise dictatorships... All dictators should be shot,,, and if anybody disagrees with me,,, they should be shot as well.

   I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.

   when you see a super hot girl on a dating website, you know she's a train wreck...

   My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?

   Santa, you either take my name off the Naughty list, or I show Mrs. Claus those pictures of you with that little blonde elf that works in the Doll department!

   Men think girls don't get mad for no reason. there's always a reason. no matter how small it is or how dumb it is. it's still considered a reason

   I'm making Uncle Ben's rice, Aunt Jemima's pancakes, and Cream Of Wheat for supper. There's a burning cross on my lawn.

   How in the Hell does Hillary Clinton get a concussion when she's been ducking everything??