Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn't invite me over.

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   Cool Facts: Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%. Unless you listen to Adelle... then all bets are off!

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   I wonder how hard J-LO has to laugh for her ass to fall off?

   The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   One rogue human being out of seven billion loses it and goes berserk and suddenly all humanity must be condemned?