Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the bathroom and all the stalls are empty.

   Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"

   I swear 2012 lasted for like 3 months.

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...

   since Norman Joseph Woodlawn is dead, I wonder if they're going to put a bar code on his casket

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   a great way to get over someone: plan ahead. Make a list of their faults so if you breakup you can console yourself with their many weaknesses.

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear

   All of us at work are suffering from anal glaucoma today.... We can't see our ass getting to work.

   I just bought a pack of Condoms and the cashier asked me, "Sir do you need a bag"; I replied, "Na! She ain't that ugly". :)

   I love your personality!!! Especially when your not talking is my favorite!!! JW

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.