Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   If God didn't want me to have sex all the time, maybe he shouldn't have blessed me with this pretty huge d ick.

   Did we DIE???... omg is this hell???... oh we didn't, so youre telling me I'm just at work o_O... oh well carry on then

   I love a woman in a suit! Her birthday suit that is.

   How much doggy style do I have to do before I turn into a dog?

   R.I.P to all the virginity that will be lost tonight.

   Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to undo your own belts.

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess

   Hey girls who feel empty and inadequate unless they have a man; that's a lot of pressure on a creature that can't even piss inside a toilet bowl without missing.

   Happy Mayan new year!

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues >=(

   So when is the next end of the world???

   OK Mayan's you missed out on these "END of world" predictions don't worry it's not like there is no tomorrow!!!!

   Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.

   apparently people don't know how to read mayan in very well. it never said the world would end however I believe it said Wisconsin would close

   The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015

   Text:I wanna be inside you. Reply: You were for 9 months. Sorry mom wrong number.

   i'm not stalking, i'm making sure you're always ok.