Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   Kelli Clarkson is getting married. I guess she can get extra fat now...

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   Got my new Chinese cookbook today...."101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

   Time to find a girlfriend.....I think my hand has been stepping out on me.

   Yes honey. Everyone is in fact, out to get (away from) you.

   I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫

   My girlfriend makes me wanna be a better boyfriend...so I can get a better girlfriend.

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   Never depend on someone or something to make you happy. For example, I was happy while eating the pizza but once it was finished I became sad and lonely.

   I just said to myself how life would be simpler without technology and my iPhone said "Ya right" and we laughed and laughed and wrote this status.

   I have spent almost half of my life trying to come up with new ways to get out of things and situations.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.