Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, lets face facts, the only real guy friends without ulterior motives are g@y.

   For Jesus' birthday, I bought other people a bunch of stuff.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.

   I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.

   I have no idea where I'm going and I like it that way. It's called living.

   I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it

   The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone!

   I spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what

   embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...

   Lately I realized that appreciation does to me what spinach did to Popeye!

   Yo Mayans, I know you all did your thing and everything, but the dinosaurs had the best apocalypse ever.

   Its the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine

   HA HA HA! People believed it was all going to end today. I mean, really, an ancient calendar is actually going to predict the end of the wor.......

   I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.

   I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.

   If men in bands can make her dance, I wonder what men in college can make her do.

   Mayans lol...and to think MTV started "Punked"!!

   ou all have nothing to worry about, Zombies only eat people that have brains.....