Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.

   I'm so glad they brought back the McRib for the Holidays...I always wanted an angioplasty for Christmas! ツ

   I'm taking my family to see the Nutcracker on Saturday. Of course I'm talking about my mother-in-law, not the show.

   I despise dictatorships... All dictators should be shot,,, and if anybody disagrees with me,,, they should be shot as well.

   I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.

   when you see a super hot girl on a dating website, you know she's a train wreck...

   My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?

   Santa, you either take my name off the Naughty list, or I show Mrs. Claus those pictures of you with that little blonde elf that works in the Doll department!

   Men think girls don't get mad for no reason. there's always a reason. no matter how small it is or how dumb it is. it's still considered a reason

   I'm making Uncle Ben's rice, Aunt Jemima's pancakes, and Cream Of Wheat for supper. There's a burning cross on my lawn.

   How in the Hell does Hillary Clinton get a concussion when she's been ducking everything??

   If someone won't lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it's time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   have you every noticed that the constitution has been amended 27 time in the last 200 years...... Except for that 2nd rule which everyone defends but nobody follows responsibly!

   I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning and the next day I do it all over again.

   jus saved alot on my car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene!

   No, I won't hold your hand, but I'll hold your leash.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!

   If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".