Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.

   Facebook friends are like Congress in that everyone is an expert on subjects and no one is willing to compromise their views.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   Money does not change people it only shows their true character whether being generous or selfish

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   My teacher gave me an F today on my paper, because she said the Bible wasn't a reliable source

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn't invite me over.

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   Cool Facts: Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%. Unless you listen to Adelle... then all bets are off!