Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

   My name is Fred and I'm a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

   I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt