Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   "MOM, WE'RE OUT OF TAMPONS!!" - Justin Bieber

   If I meet my maker as a result of gun violence , let it be said that I went in a shootout not a shooting .

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   I just got my Kardashian Christmas card. It came with Herpes...

   What if the 12/21/12 is the day Winrar trial period ends?

   What if Mayans were right, and we find ourselves stuck in a #Speck held on an elephant trunk just like Dr. Seuss foretold in "Horton hears a who!"

   12 simple steps to great life in future…. 1) Walk straight up 2) Make 11 steps in front before jumping off the cliff.

   3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   on dec 21st all the power companies should shut off the power for 10 minutes just to make people flip out

   kinda pissed off right now! going to put on red polo and walk around target and vent!

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   if a hot guy is scared to talk to a hot girl, chances are his p enis is baby sized

   and...in Hollywood news, 2 people I've never heard of got married and 2 other people I've never heard of got divorced...

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off