Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.

   I'm not allowed to have caffeine after 9 because midnight dance-offs have a high casualty rate.

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?

   Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   After Facebook picked our minds for years...NOW it is asking How it's going?....how am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy..?? Like · · Promote

   Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!

   Apocalypse Update Day 2: Still here....... Damn!!

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   Yesterday, 'Gangnam Style' became the first YouTube music video to receive 1 BILLION views. Which makes yesterday the actual day the music died.

   Never trust a Chia Pet.....don't ask.

   Sometimes I like to challenge myself AnD exercise at the same time.... Today I made it an extra five minutes just by squirming around and wiggling my foot before I had to run for the bathroom........

   if there's too much sauce on the biscuit.. you better find another biscuit to eat! ;)

   I bet the people that really died yesterday got up to Heaven and was like "WTF?? Where in the heII is everybody else"??

   The Mayans were so incorrect that... Obama just won their electoral votes.

   Can't wait for the Cirque Du Soleil show based on the Steve Martin film The Jerk. I'll be 1st in line for Cirque El Jerk.

   There are 3 types of females in this world. There are ladies you introduce to your mother, there are women you introduce to your friends and there are girls you show the door to