Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99

   Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.