Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw an ad on craigslist today that said “free firewood,, you collect it”.. So I wrote the guy and said “Bud, you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   The police man in my area is so rude. So I'm speeding. What's the big deal? How I'm supposed to drive a stolen car?

   If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams.

   Dear Santa, Please define good.

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   Walmart. The only place in America where you can buy shrimp and underwear in the same store.

   Problems in your relationship? There's a blow job for that.

   I hate it when I don't have someone to do in the morning.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   My stomach just Yelled at me ... Thru my Butthole ! Ouch !!

   The Mayans calculated the sunrise over South America not Australia

   Enough of the end of the world posts! Smh

   Don't worry about the world ending later today... it's already tomorrow in Australia.

   A lot of people will disappoint you in life. Don't let any of them be you.

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   I found out two interesting things last night: 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbours have bought a new hot tub.....