Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.

   I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!

   In a prefect world Taco Bell would deliver...

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   The Mars Rover sends a signal to Earth from the edge of space and my cell phone cant go under a bridge without dropping a call? Screw you Sprint!

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   The Gap always emails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping.

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Before he tweeted the Pope had half a million followers, religion in a nutshell.

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.