Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean I really do. I might be drunk. Or just really, really horny.

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   The only productive part of me today is my liver.

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   Turn on radio*: "shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work

   I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did

   Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...