Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...

   If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out.

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?

   I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.

   I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   You wanna know whats more expensive then Milk and Gas.....Ink! Instead of buying ink for my wireless printer, I mightest well buy a new printer at the rate these prices are going!

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??

   Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.

   Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   Diet is going great! No hostess snack cakes at all this year