Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎2013 is the chinese year of the snake. I hope I can quit putting dragon on my checks

   boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...

   if we've learned anything from kanye west, its that hes definitely going to name his baby blue ivy

   Anyone else agree that the facebook community is comprised of 98% m0rons, and the other 2% haven't figured out a way to log on?

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a woman, who the hell knows what's gonna happen.

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   15.Now that I finally remembered to write 2012 as the date, I need to start writing 2013.

   11.Tonight on ABC starting at 10: Fasten your seat belts as the dynamic Ryan Seacrest spends two hours telling us what time it is!

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.

   I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!

   My new years resolution for 2013? I will be less laz

   The only resolution I've ever managed to stick with, was when I resolved not to make resolutions I can't stick with.

   Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...

   Hmmm I'm going to pick up a Nicki Minaj album and listen to it for it's richness in pop culture and it's intelligent coherent lyrics..............said no one ever...