Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   AACK! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1996. Ohhhh it is ON!

   Im gonna try to lose weight with this new chinese diet, eat all you can... using one chopstick

   Took out my Christmas tree to curb and dropped needles like a heroin addict in NY all over over floor. .

   Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.

   I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

   Since I'm so good at failing to fullfill my resolutions, this year my resolutions are to be unhealthy, avoid the gym, pay my bills late and have more sex with ugly girls.

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   A friend of mine wants to set me up with her cute friend, but her friend is picky cos she has a kid, so I told her my name was "Jif" because we all know choosey moms choose Jif...

   I haven't had a drink all year! Unless you count those after midnight last night...

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"