Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?

   Golden domes over mobile homes. Go Irish!!

   Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I kissed with an ohmless girl last night............. There was very little resistance