Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''

   As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   Was thinking of buy my boyfriend a bunkbed so I could be on top more often

   i rang triple 0 the other day,,The bloke said"what,s the emergency"?I said "there,s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me"! He said"Whats wrong with that"? I said ,"THE FAT ONES WINNING!!!!!"

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   Who says I want a better view of her heart you moron, when I unbutton her shirt, the only view I am interested in is of her magnificent twins.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"

   We should agree on removing Boehner from government. He is an idiot, and his lacky supporters in the background need to push him off a cliff.....waisting American time only to finally pass the tax Bill!

   My New Year's Resolution is to be less funny on Facebook, and more cryptic and dramatic instead. By the way, today was the WORST Day EVER!

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

   OMFG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!

   TOP 3 signs I need to lose weight this year.......3-The horse on my Polo shirt is real 2-When I take the elevator, I have to go down 1-A picture of me fell off the wall