Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   When I get married: we're having all kinds of sex.. Where you been Sex..Random Sex.. Angry Sex.. We're out of sugar Sex...After eating KFC Sex

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   someone corrected my grammar once and my grampar kicked their a$$...

   The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single.

   If a girl says, "I hate drama" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen.

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.