Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christina what happen baby? It's like those fish nets caught a whale. Christina, when did you go from "genie in a bottle" to "pigs in a blanket"?

   That a wkward m oment when you realize the last stair you thought was there isn't.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Always leaves my toenail clippers open, never know when an intruder might show up

   This hood rat on Maury found out dude wasnt the Father, she ran so far backstage when I turned the Channel she was on 106 & Park!

   Nice to see the government screwing with the public's intelligence about the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty'. Too bad it's total fiction.

   not sure if I miss my girlfriend, or just really horny.

   When I run out of whiskey I tend to drink non-alcoholic beverages like beer, wine & rum.

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   sometimes the truth is hard to accept so I live in a dream

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   the next Call of duty will only have knives and bows amd arrows. Thanks Obama!

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Just thinking about how Notre Dame and most married men have a lot in common. How you ask, Bpth are always trying to score but not making it to the endzone often enough!!

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.