Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.

   Just listened to an Adele song and now I'm eating ice cream and surrounded by 9 cats.

   Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.

   Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"

   I want to have kids one day but what If I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I can't take that risk.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   Yoda only one for me

   262 million people have been killed by governments this century. If you believe your chances of being shot by an American citizen is greater than being killed by a dictator that has disarmed the public...you're sadly mistaken!!!

   kids at the front door selling drugs!!!! I got 3 boxes of thin mints coming!

   I cheer in all directions rather than limiting myself to just "up"

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   I love the fact that she likes reverse cowgirl cuz I cant stand her face.

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me to back 'That Thang' up.

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   this isn't the status you're looking for

   Ladies... If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are.