Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   if "PRO" is the opposite of "CON" then "PROgress" has to be the opposite of "CONgress

   i wonder if Bruce Wayne calls it his "batman cave" or his "bat 'man cave' "

   Making snow angels & writing Ron Paul underneath because people need to know the truth

   Lol here come all the brand new Redskins fans

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

   Les Miserables is French for "It's two and a half hours"

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake

   Top Reasons I Procastinate... 1.)

   The girl at Mcdonald asked me what I'm "talkmbout" <------Ghetto word of today!

   I made my bed, I've failed countless of times by not taking any seats. But I will surely get out my bed every morning and try again, cuz failing is a stepping stone to success. Failure, is not falling down of the bed; but remaining where you have fallen.

   Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire.

   People say I’m sarcastic but I’m just investigating the effects of irony on morons.

   Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.

   People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.