Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

   Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

   wonders what guys did before baseball was created to tell how far they had gone with a girl.

   I bet Kim Kardashian & Kanya kid will be nicknamed "KKK"

   How is Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's

   I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

   It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren't lesbian and dating. Imagine if they broke up.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

   I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.

   Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

   We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!