Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.

   I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother

   So hockey is back, now is time for the fans to go on strike

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   If she looks beautiful even when she's mad, you're screwed.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.

   I am ugly but not "use a a celebrity pic for my profile pic" ugly.

   How to have a successful relationship - Don't mention your EX every other minute.

   Roses are red violets are blue, porn hub is down. So your mother's Facebook will do

   whenever I run I play Avici pandora in my pocket and pretend I'm running to Pacha

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   found out through fb hockey is back... I never knew it was gone

   Two things some people can't live without, God and the internet, are everywhere and all-knowing. But only one of them gives you naked woman anytime you want.

   Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ

   Eating an apple a day for an entire year can make you turn into an iPhone.

   some people take so much s hit from me and are still in love with me. it's great!

   Wow! Bethenny Frankel just announced she's getting a divorce! Wait, who the eff is she again???