Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   Turn on - Woman who knows how to change a tire if she absolutely had to. Turn off - Woman who insists on doing it while I'm standing there.

   That's enough; pregnant women on Facebook showing us their bump.

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested, everything you say can and will be used against you. So use your right to remain silent...

   Well, it looks like that huge asteroid will miss earth. I hope its not too late to contribute to my 401k..

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   The government did not write the constitution to give rights to the people. The people wrote the constitution to limit the government's power.

   Everything in life is temporary , if things are going good , enjoy it , if things are going bad , don't worry , it won't last forever either .... !!

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Met a gal through FarmersOnly.com,went out to supper and then home and plowed half the night

   Life and beer are very similar……..chill for best results.

   Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in

   Arguments started and relationships ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your damn relationship status.

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.

   You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..."

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.