Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   That incredibly relieving feeling when you have to fart after having the man flu for 4 days, and its only a fart!! Fart roulette.......

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   OK FB friends, quit asking questions on FB. You know how the internet works, don't you??

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend…until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a parking lot...

   "I'm just sayin. It'd be better without the raisins." ------[ Everything with raisins ]

   my husbands winter wardrobe is 50 shades of grey sweat pants...

   My favorite vegetable is bacon...

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it

   Dear FB friends, I need your help... I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell my wife (tag wife) that I am cheating on her and have a girlfriend... Any Suggestions???

   I see your rules, and raise you my complete disregard.

   2 wrongs always equal a great night.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   Hot chocolate is just normal chocolate that has a modeling career.

   Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.