Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   Lance prolly lied about the whole Cancer thing just to cover his doping...

   I'm having a love/hate relationship with my antihistamines.

   Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

   Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   God created r acism when he decided to create different r aces.

   The nerves of this kid to park his Smart car in between a Handicap spot!

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Lance Armstrong probably still has both balls too.

   I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better.

   Math problem: If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?

   I like big books and I can not lie.

   I find it a little insulting when I do a facebook search for an old friend, and I get a message stating, "Sorry. There's no account set up for this person who obviously has a life."

   My wife sure gets a kick out of my restless leg syndrome.

   Forgive me Oprah for I have sinned. This is my first confession in twenty years....