Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

   Let the bros at the urinals around you know everything's alright by nodding and whispering, "that's better."

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him

   Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood

   Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick

   Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

   I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.

   Bought a shirt with three wolves on it. Agressively seeking high fives from strangers.

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.

   Ladies, please. Enough with the fighting. I have plenty of tentacles for everyone.

   we can be friends or we can be spiders

   Dear son, Another hard year on the farm. Father had a stroke, bills are piling up. Are you famous on facebook yet? We are proud of you! -mom

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   My mom just called me and told me she has a new boyfriend. Django could be a white name too, right?

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.