Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   I hate boyfriends of women I have a crash on. So pardon me while I hate on your douchebag of a boyfriend.

   Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Who do atheists thank for Friday?

   Do these binoculars make my hot neighbor look fat?

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   I'm trying to save the world from the dangers of alcohol, one drink at a time.

   A headache when my husband is not home is a waste of pain.

   Let me fondle them with both hands in front of everyone so I know they’re real.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time