Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.

   Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!

   1) Jodie Foster never spoke the word g ay. 2) If you didn't already know she was g ay, you're an idiot...

   Just once I would love to get a junk email that read..."P*nis englargment?? No way dude! You are set! Forget I even sent this message." Is that too much to ask???

   you can't call a show Golden Globes and then show a bunch of skinny girls!!

   I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

   Waking up to Monday is kinda like the Mayans being right.

   I've perfected the confused look for when my credit card's declined.

   My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song.

   If you're happy and you know it.......you're probably single.

   Wife: YOU ARE LOST, GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS Me: *swallows pride, walks into gas station*... Excuse me sir, do you know where "the clitoris" is

   Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.

   Error 404: Virginity not found!

   Let's run away together... to my bedroom.

   I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.