Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   word of the day is Satin. Girl ain't doin' nuttin but satin on the couch all day watchin her stories...

   i miss you like a deadline

   This is not a post. This is a lip-sync of a post.....

   If you need pills to be a parent then you're not a parent. You're a child yourself.

   It's so cold this morning I'm gonna lip sync all day.

   Unemployment is up but so are Michelle Obama's BANGS.....

   Note to self: Mr. Tequila and Mr. Keyboard do not play well together

   It;s so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of ur life, starting now.

   Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks.

   Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!

   So another shooting occurs in another College..... I dont know why we not making the bullets more expensive than college by now

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?