Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way... jest sayin

   What was a horse doing tasting Tesco Burgers anyway?

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   Great innovation idea, pressure-less Air Fresheners. The sound isn't a necessary reminder of what just happened in the loo.

   Dear Abby dies. Ann Landers annouces she was really just an imaginary twin...

   Lots of Catholics are crazy upset about Lennay Kekua being fake. Wait'll they find out about Jesus.

   sings (Mele Kalikimaka) Lennay Kekua is really dead today, the sports networks say, Manti is feeling blue, he's wishing this would all go away

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   The less people you chill with, the less shi t you have to deal with

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I swear....if I get shot by a criminal who didn't obey the gun laws, I am going to be SOOOOO PISSED!

   "I only took imaginary steroids." Lying Lance

   I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.