Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the taste of you that lingers in my mouth makes me sick every morning

   whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   being with someone who treats you like dirt really makes you appreciate someone who treats you like a goddess

   The only thing more boring than Oprahs interview to Lance Armstrong is watching the tour de france

   Have you ever tried to k!ll your crazy stalker?

   Mark Sanchez has imaginary receivers...

   Good thing Tesco doesn't serve hot dogs.

   I bet Clint Eastwood felt real stupid when he found out it was Manti Te'os girlfriend in that chair & not Obama.

    I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so that you'll know how much it hurts to miss you. 

   I bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...

   Two main qualities of a desperate stalker, ugliness and low self esteem.

   I bet Lance Arnstrong lied about being the first man on the moon too

   If you thought AJ McCarron's girlfriends breasts were unreal, you should see Manti Te'o's girlfriend's.

   I wish my dog would stop fighting me and just understand that its cold outside and he'd get much better sleep if he was wearing footie pajamas.

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   Girl, are you a drug dealer?? I see a massive crack in you pants.

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   Can you people leave me Alone!!! I already talked to Oprah.......