Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   The worst part of our relationship is... I started loving her for the day I saw her...And She started loving me from the day she lost me..

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   They say, if you like her, put a ring on it. And I am saying, If you like him, put a BJ on it.

   Some ideas are infectious, so make sure you’ve had your self-esteem vaccine before listening to some douchebag that’s judging you.

   It gives me collywobbles to admit this but most of what I post is purely flibbertigibbet. It's not that I think you to be a gobemouche, i'm just a pettifogger and a slangwanger. I'm not a snollygoster, I just love to bloviate. Thanks for understanding!

   Jesus paid for your sins. Make sure he gets his moneys worth!

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Tom Brady's kick was still better than David Akers

   beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"

   has never been able to watch Finding Nemo all the way through in one sitting due to it's frequent use of the "N" word.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.