Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly squats

   I get so confused when I see a seagull not near the sea like buddy where do you think you’re going

   Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet* Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

   My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that I could uncover with a group of misfits

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

   Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night. ... He was too far out, man.

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I'm afraid to laugh. Because those who came in laughing made me cry the most!

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.

   My dry lips are burning. How can I let you know more beautifully that I am asking for the loving touch of your lips .. !!

   Put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately started showing pop up ads for duty free liquor.

   This is the only post not stolen from funny tweeter

   During the deposition, Don Jr decided to plead the Fifth, mainly because that's as high as he can count.

   Called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

   I remember when Joe Biden told someone to shut up on national TV. Then Joe took that guy's job, his house and his Twitter account. That was awesome.

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

   If the CPA's are ok with your tax return, and the IRS is ok with your tax return, why is it so important for the LameStreamMedia to see your tax return? #WitchHunt #FakeNews #Haters

   I here by proclaim that I identify as a person of color.

   Never compliment a woman on her mustache, No matter How epic it is .

   Why are there no professional ball scratchers? On behalf of men everywhere, let me say this... they'd make a fortune.