Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(

   why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.

   breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....

   I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny

   a hangover is the wrath of grapes

   If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.

   Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.

   Think of a number between 68 and 70....

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   C ondoms prevent minivans.

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.