Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

   I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

   Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

   Dr. House would’ve solved this covid crap in 20 minutes flat.

   The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

   Bedbugs have been found in government buildings in Washington D.C. I can’t believe they have to deal with those blood-sucking pests. Poor bedbugs.

   Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

   No thanks, $40 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

   I wish someone wanted to hang out just to get to know me as a person. It's like they only want what they see in a picture or a post. I want someone to see ME. Who I am.

   If this guy making my damn sandwich goes as a sloth for Halloween I guarantee he will nail it!!

   This year when I set my clock back, I'm setting it back to 1776. Back when the USA had balls and females didnt

   According to this bathroom stall, Yo mama changed her number again.

   If you don’t want my help disciplining your little brats then I don’t want more of my tax dollars used to help educate them.

   What makes you so special when you're convinced that Bill Gates installed a tracking chip in you and is monitoring you 24/7?

   The first time I ever removed my clothes in front of a woman, she smiled and said it reminded her of an old song. "I asked, "Let It All Hang Out?" She said, "No. The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

   Ever have one of those days where you pull a leaf off a tree branch and the whole tree falls on you , that's me today

   You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.