Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't sleep try counting scary sounds your house is making.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   prison ain't called the pokey for nothin you know

   i once "accidently" dropped a paper cup full of dish washing detergent into the fountain at a botanical garden... quite interesting watching the outcome

   I think I had too much to think :-(

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   Women need to be complimented so much it's like they're asking us to lie.

   I am woman. Hear me ignore.

   If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   No, I don't remember why I don't like you but what does that have to do with anything?

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.