Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."

   a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out. so the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "i hope you die a slow agonizing death"the husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay?

   if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...

   So I'm looking in the fridge and I see a quart container with a yellow liquid in it. We always put pineapple in those, so I think "Yeah, pineapple will go good with that!". So, long story short, I made a vodka and egg drop soup.

   Notice at Church: Don't leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

   when I make love, I like to do so to the sounds of the Star Trek theme, so that way the girl feels she's going to a place where no other girl has gone before

   Her last boyfriend was Asian: Good news for your D. Her last boyfriend was black: Bad news for your D

   this Mali fighting needs to stop. I keep thinking the headline reads Mall shooting...

   can we all agree this fake moustache thing has gone on long enough??

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   What if the real Slim Shady is paraplegic?

   I don't mind playing games as long as we both end up naked at the end.

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.

   Why you acting hollywood when you ain't never been to Hollywood!!

   MONEY - its only the root of all evil when you are dead broke.

   They should change the name of "Disney Channel" to "Celebrity Pre-Rehab".

   So the etch-a-sketch creator is dead... His family is reported to be a little shook up...