Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut

   Was it THAT wrong writing, "To my sweet little Butter Face" on my girlfriend's Birthday card?

   I rubbed my cats back and forth on the carpet for ten minutes, now they can shoot lightning out of their eyes, They're running around playing laser tag.

   my opinion on forced birth control has changed after watching one episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.

   Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.

   Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back too your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all thatt hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   A "wifey type" has nothing to do with rolling blunts/cooking.. It's more like a woman that takes care of you, loves you & stands by ur side

   Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   The problem with some people is that they’re alive.

   jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.

   It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.

   Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.