Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce

   Just invented a cell phone cover that looks like a pay check. Now all the yolo dudes can look responsible when they take a profile pic in their duckface baby-mama's bathroom mirror.

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends