Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only person you should believe when they tell you they love you is your dog and weed.

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   Why is it that I am just realizing that Joey and Chandler did not have a sink in their apartment?

   Bad news The Invetor of the Etch a Sketch just died at 86 - The good news is his cremated remains will be encased in commemorative Editions of the Etch A Sketch product..

   Face it.. Hotel rooms are good for one thing only... Getting laid

   my favorite part of waking up is calculating how long until I get to go back to sleep...

   if you've been married less than a year, stop with all the love and marriage quotes. S hit will eventually hit the fan...

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   It is what I is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   Hey mothers who are always telling everyone who cares to listen, "My kids are my life" If your kids are your life how come you hardly spend time with them and are always out clubbing and parting like there is no tomorrow every other day of the week?

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.

   Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses"

   Let’s all join hands and remember the Golden Rule of Life: Do not feed the trolls.

   At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. At the touch of beer, everyone becomes a superhero.

   finds it very retarded when someone knocks then when you ask who it is they say'me'.Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked#SeriouslyNow!!!

   "Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.

   This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her...