Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   No, I don't remember why I don't like you but what does that have to do with anything?

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   They say if you dump a cat hundreds of kilometers away from home, it will eventually find its own way back. So all you cat-owners putting up posters of your missing cat need to stop wasting your time because it’s obvious your cat does not want to be fou

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   Sitting on the couch eating graham crackers and just remembered I forgot to flush the toilet upstairs.

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   The American Pickers just found an ancient Bible hand signed by the apostle Paul. They talked the guy down to thirty bucks .

   It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.

   if someone tells you it is the inside that counts, that usually means the person they are talking about should stay inside their house.

   She told me a little bit of soda would take the stain out of my white shirt,im guessing she didnt mean grape soda!!!

   High Wind Advisory for our area this evening. I wonder how the forecasters found out I had Mexican for lunch with refried beans???

   Can anyone here recommend for me a good gym to drive past?

   Today is a 'No F unny updates Day' all status lifters are are required to read a book or go do some community work for their plagiarism crimes.

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

   If you treat a guy like a piece of shi t all day at least have the decency to go to his house and laugh when he takes it out on his family.