Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!

   I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no shows but I still had a great time!

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.

   I am always confused when I see a status message that isn't about me.

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   every time I hear someone say 1993, I still think it was only 10 years ago...

   so many hotties... and they're all freaking scared of me!