Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.

   when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.

   Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps..

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   i'm really good at totally screwing myself over

   it looks like all the insurance companies are trying to see who can have the worst commercials...

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   i don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits, so I'm not an alcoholic I'm spirtual

   can't think of anytime to put as a status right now. If you could write my status for me, what would you put?

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.