Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.

   "No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy

   The funnest thing about the end of a relationship is being honest about why you pretended to love each other.

   Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am

   My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...

   The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

   "I need you to understand something that I can never explain." ~ Heart to brain.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   Subway's sub of the month should be black forest ham...

   It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit