Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?