Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...

   accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....

   pedophile: Get in the van I have candy. me: No! pedofile:I have free wifi too! me:Where would you like me to sit?

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   Hey ACCESS. the GO DADDY commercial may have made last place for likes and it was inappropriate for family viewing and was outright disturbing...way to go GO DADDY, it was the most successful add, most talked about!

   The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls.

   It’s insulting that 1-800-proflowers think we men can be guilted into ordering flowers for our…gotta go, only 1 caller ahead!!

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   Soccer: 90 minutes of no strategy, no intrigue, and no scoring.

   not single; is just waiting for his girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

   Keep calm and reject all Chefville invites

   I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

   its hard to get stoked about a soccer game that's 3 hours long and ends 1-1...

   this girl I'm seeing on the side must think I'm a weatherman 'cause she keeps asking if the coast is clear...

   Been watching these 2 black guys shake hands for the past 28 minutes.

   If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.

   PSY will be having a concert in the Philippines... WTF!! is he gonna sing Gangnam Style for 2 hours???

   PSY does the gangnam style dance so much...don't you think he should've lost some weight by now?

   The only footsteps I would follow are those of a landmine deactivation technician...